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Steven Seagal battles bloodsuckers and delivers the cheese in Against the Dark
It's always fun to see how really bad Steven Seagal can be. Believe it or not, he's less of a martial-arts expert than Jean-Claude Van Damme, he's puffier than the Rock and can't deliver a line as well as Sylvester Stallone—and that's the best I can say about him. Somehow, he still manages to pump out these direct-to-DVD action movies, and this time it's his same persona, but he's fighting vampire/zombie hybrids.
Seagal does have what some other action stars don't have—his gentle, spiritual side. That's (sort of) shown by his name, Tao, which he pronounces more like a Homer Simpson "D'oh!"
The story is another one set in a disease-riddled post-apocalyptic world in which a virus turns people into blood-sucking creatures with glowing eyes. There's a debate among the self-appointed monster killers (led by Seagal) whether they are vampires or zombies. Suffice it to say they do a lot of gruesome killing, disemboweling, limb-tearing and majorly R-rated gory things.
One cool scene that's going to make anyone squirm is when one of the zombie/vampires files down his own teeth into sharp, chewing chompers.
The cast includes a beefy crowd, like the Rock's cousin Tanoai Reed from American Gladiators and Keith David from Chronicles of Riddick, but the best stars are the monsters. Unfortunately, some creatures are great, but others are done a bit sloppily. The face is green, but the makeup people didn't get the neck or hands to match. And sometimes the lack of special effects or cool kills is masked by fast edits, irritating flashes or very, very dark lighting.
And then, of course, there are the great, ridiculous moments to laugh hysterically over. The girl who has been fighting zombies for months gets all grossed out when she sees an eyeball on the floor. The tough guy who throws up when witnessing a gruesome scene. And priceless dialogue, as when, at the opening, Seagal saves a young boy and says, "We're not here to decide who's right or wrong, we're here to decide who lives or dies," and the even better line "Things will never be the same again, but they will get better."
It doesn't get cornier than that!
By axeman5150 at 10:24 AM ON 02/10/09
I MUST HAVE THIS MOVIE IN MY COLLECTION!!!!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By rafe at 10:36 AM ON 02/10/09
Hey, Seagal has to make a living even if it's making shlock. We just don't have to buy his shlock.
P.S.
How can you say that Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson is puffy? There's no fat on the man.
By Polymer at 11:04 AM ON 02/10/09
Sounds like a sci-fi movie of the week.
By 13th Cylon at 11:46 AM ON 02/10/09
Rafe Said - "How can you say that Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson is puffy? There's no fat on the man."
I think he meant that he "puffs" his chest out a lot, like Tarzan.
Polymer said "Sounds like a sci-fi movie of the week."
You beat me to it Poly! How is Seagal’s crap any different then the crap you guys show on Saturday nights? It sounds to me like you have a new source of really crappy sci-fi material to try to pass off as the real thing. Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Especially vampiric zombie stones!
By TopCat at 12:31 PM ON 02/10/09
Sorry, I don't believe it. How exactly is Seagal less of a martial arts 'expert' than van Damme?
By kchenault at 12:56 PM ON 02/10/09
Seagal is a 7th Dan Aikido master. Do some research will ya.
By HeinzHarald at 2:47 PM ON 02/10/09
Actually I'd say both Urban Justice and Pistol Whipped are fairly good. Not counting that Kurt Russell flick they are the two highest rated Seagal movies on IMDb and I would definitely agree. Too many quick cuts to hide the fact that Seagal's not the martal artist he once was, but other than that I'd say they are solid low-budget actions flicks with Seagal delivering performances that actually aren't 100% cheese.
By Sabre Runner at 2:26 PM ON 02/11/09
Ok, both Van Damme and Seagal are spiritual new age weirdos, one into Zen and the other Buddhism, and they both make movies that are less than stellar with less than stellar acting (though the former has shown us a lot in JCVD) but they are both scholars, they are both certified, accomplished martial artists (Highest levels in Shotokan Karate and Aikido) and they do more than most when it comes to fighting for causes.
You can criticize the acting all you like, I'll probably be on your side, but don't disrespect the men and the skills.
By Wix at 9:59 PM ON 02/14/09
"Ok, both Van Damme and Seagal are spiritual new age weirdos, one into Zen and the other Buddhism"
New age? Zen is Buddhism! both are older than Christianity! Please tell me your argument is all in jest.. LOL!
By mreale at 2:54 PM ON 03/04/09
Like axeman5150 said.."I MUST HAVE THIS MOVIE IN MY COLLECTION!!!!!"
Now only if MSTK 3000 was still in production.
The bots would have a trip on this one.
By estraven at 9:08 AM ON 04/16/09
"he's less of a martial-arts expert than Jean-Claude Van Damme" - wow. This is completely untrue. JCVD is no martial arts expert at all, while Seagal is an akido expert. He can't act, and he's fat, but that doesn't change the facts.
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estraven:
"he's less of a martial-arts expert than Jean-Claude Van Damme" - wow. This is completely untrue. JCVD is no martia...More »