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Review: Why you shouldn't Race to Witch Mountain
If you have a wealth of brain cells to dispose of, skip that second viewing of Watchmen this weekend and check out Race to Witch Mountain. A stunningly incompetent family adventure film that fails on all levels of art, intelligence and even basic technical proficiency, Andy Fickman's second screen outing with Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock) makes his first, the abominable The Game Plan, seem like a minor masterpiece.
Johnson plays Jack Bruno, a Las Vegas cabbie who becomes the unwilling protector of two kids, Sara (AnnaSophia Robb) and Seth (Alexander Ludwig) after they mysteriously turn up in the back of his cab. Not mere runaways but super-powered extraterrestrials, Sara and Seth land Jack in hot water when government agent Henry Burke (Ciaran Hinds) sets out in pursuit of these illegal aliens. Recruiting a comely UFO specialist named Alex Friedman (Carla Gugino) to help out, Jack races through the streets of Las Vegas to escape capture by the authorities while he frantically searches for a way to get Seth and Sara back to their ship and off planet Earth.
While it's probably important to note that the screening I attended was populated mostly by kids, the majority of whom raucously enjoyed the film, Race to Witch Mountain is virtually unenjoyable by anyone who knows the difference between the Disney Channel and Walt Disney Studios. Aside from bad special effects, nonsensical action scenes and a plot lumped together from the carcasses of ripoffs of classics (sadly, not including its 1975 predecessor Escape to Witch Mountain), not one line of dialogue exists except to push character and plot details forward in the plainest and most functional way possible.
Also, for a movie that's supposed to be about marveling at the mysteries of the universe, there's not one single moment in which the characters take a breath, step back and go, "Wow! There really is alien life out there? Let's think about what this could mean!" Admittedly, neither of the films that inspired this "re-imagining" are classics themselves, but their scruffy, low-budget charms were augmented by the fact that they at least had characters, with or without big special effects.
By comparison, Jack is a prototypical hard egg with a soft center, ready to melt at the sight of two Aryan children who talk in mechanical, expository phrases, while Friedman is a fussy, maternal scientist conveniently bereft of a boyfriend. Neither the child actors nor Johnson's considerable charisma nor his equally potent chemistry with Gugino is enough to overcome the demands of the terrible script or Fickman's "let's make the studio backlot look even smaller" directing style. While Johnson's determination and commitment to giving his all is admirable, the end result simply isn't worth the effort and energy that he expends.
Overall, this is the kind of movie that makes you feel bad for actors, because theoretically Race to Witch Mountain could be a blockbuster, and of course who would be crazy enough to say no to an almost assured box-office smash? It's just awful, though, and no person should have to endure it, whether they're genuinely trying to play different kinds of characters, just picking up a paycheck, or (especially) if they're paying money to potentially be entertained.
By Bluesman at 1:22 AM ON 03/13/09
Whoa, Todd! Harsh words. Did someone kick your dog this morning?
By lister at 2:38 AM ON 03/13/09
The Rock was good in SouthLand Tales, which got a slating by mostly all press stateside. This movie would have been better if it didn't have a voiceover explaining everything - like BladeRunner [for US audiences].
As this movie looks like one for the kids anyway. I can't remember as a kid thinking for example wow the big guy really doesn't know what method acting is. It's for kids... that's it!
I think these forms of comparison are bad. It's like saying that Sci-Fi kings of genre from Star Trek the original movie were in someway Oscar material and all later starred in ground breaking movies. From memory ony Nimoy actually did anything great in the remake of the Body Snatchers!
Just my two pennies worth!
By random at 6:46 AM ON 03/13/09
Since its makeover, Sci-Fi Wire has taken on a distinctly harsh and often juvenile editorial slant. This review is distinctly mean-spirited and out-of-context to the nature of the film and its intended audience. Mainstream press such as Variety have given the movie generally favorable reviews.
The editors and writers of Sci-Fi Wire would do well to remember that their readership is not as narrowly focused as they may think.
By Walt at 8:37 AM ON 03/13/09
Well, it is a movie for children ...
By frank at 9:35 AM ON 03/13/09
i thought your comment about the "Aryan" children were right on the nose. i get so tried of seeing the something reproduce a thousand times over again.
By CS at 11:09 AM ON 03/13/09
I can see where Sci Fi Wire writers are so focused on 'Character Developement' after watching the latest BSG, where they're so intent on showing the character's humanity that we have to watch Starbuck grunt one out on the can. Meanwhile, the so-called 'plot' has gotten so complicated and scattered that there's nothing left worth watching.
Note to writers: Please, go back on strike, and STAY THERE!
I like characters with a little personality, but I certainly don't need to know more about them than I do my own wife!
Movies and TV are for entertainment! I do not watch video of fictional characters to gain some deeper meaning of life.
By Al at 1:00 PM ON 03/13/09
For some reason, after the constant barrage of negative reviews for Watchmen, I'll save judgement on Witch Mountain until enough fans of the original or unbiased reviewers check it out.
Lately it seems that SciFiWire is hating all movies SciFi.
Go figure.
By rkf at 1:44 PM ON 03/13/09
I have to agree with many of the previous posts. The snarky tone of SciFi Wire is getting really old.
By whatever at 3:25 PM ON 03/13/09
It cant be any worse than your made for sci-fi channel movies you crap out of your arses each week.
By tgwaste at 4:02 PM ON 03/13/09
i agree COMPLETELY with 'whatever '. this review sounds like its describing a made for scifi movie. which are pretty much the worst things ever made in the world.
By Parent at 6:58 PM ON 03/13/09
No matter what it is like it couldn't be as offensive as Watchmen... I rather see this 2 dozen times then finish watching last weekend's lame "blockbuster"... like many others I walked out of that one.
By Scanner at 7:14 PM ON 03/13/09
While you may have seen the movie, it's apparent that you seem to be taking a strictly one sided view on this movie. The worst movie I've ever seen I can at least make some 'saving graces' statements about. This article just seems like you're dogging it because it wasn't what you expected.
Give us an idea of why you disliked it, what you thought could have been done better and what you wouldn't have changed about it. That's called "Constructive Criticism". :)
By wilson at 7:58 PM ON 03/14/09
that movie was good. The Rock has another hit on his hands. What is wrong with having Aryan children anyway? Would it make you happier if they put a black jewish kid and a gay chinese kid? This is reverse racism!
By aikakone at 10:43 AM ON 03/16/09
I actually liked this movie and thought it was better and more fun than the originals, which I rewatched a few months ago and unfortunately did not live up to the childhood nostalgia.
By TheDocToRx at 2:51 PM ON 03/16/09
I will wait and see for myself, as most of you reviewers ar large TURDBALLS that put everything down.....
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TheDocToRx:
I will wait and see for myself, as most of you reviewers ar large TURDBALLS that put everything down........More »